Two years ago I thought about getting a proper job. This didn't last long but my CV is still on some recruitment agency databases. Occasionally I get e-mails about jobs, a project manager role in financial services was e-mailed to me the other day. This is the sort of achingly dull job I’d be doing if I hadn’t become a full-time Mum (apologies to anyone who does this job).
I thought I might apply using my parenting experience. Here’s the draft letter:
Dear A N Other recruitment agent
I’d like to apply for the achingly dull job of Project Manager in Financial Services. I’ve outlined my skills and experience in the job specification below:
Duties and responsibilities
To plan projects from start to finish, with built in contingencies
The children were planned, but without built in contingencies. I resort to emergency contingencies: using chocolate as a bribe, allowing dinner to be eaten on the sofa and putting CBeebies on when all else fails.
To ensure projects meet industry leading quality standards
The children often fall short of industry standards. Within ten minutes of a shopping trip, Podge will climb on or under the pushchair and pretend the shop floor is a racetrack. Fington will wail, try to escape from his pushchair and attempt to pull everything in the shop off its hanger / shelf. I use emergency contingencies (chocolate) to return everything to industry standards.
To ensure the project is delivered within financial requirements
I do the weekly food shop instead of my husband because I always spend less than him.
Monitor and control project risks
This isn’t a strong area for me. I haven’t installed stair gates and tell people that Fington is sensible enough not to throw himself down the stairs (a lie). The sharp knives are in an accessible drawer and the child lock on the bleach cupboard doesn’t work. Podge is reminded not to jump on the bed or sofa when I remember.
To make sound judgments and decisions
Unable to think of any sound judgments or decisions. Examples of unsound ones: buying a dry clean only top, allowing Fington to investigate my make-up bag, giving Podge the spare change collection to play with, permitting both boys to post my debit and credit cards into a range of inaccessible places.
Skills and attributes required
Ability to foster motivation within the project team to meet tight deadlines
I yell, count to five and threaten to ban television to get Podge out the door / in the bath / in bed.
Active negotiation, persuasion and mediation skills
I yell, count to five and threaten to ban television.
Excellent interpersonal and communication skills
I yell, I laugh, I cry and have a good moan at husband when he gets home in the evening.
A demonstrated track record of delivering complete solutions to a high level of quality
I’ve been a parent for nearly four years and my children seem to be reasonably normal. Only a few people avoid us. Getting to this stage alone demonstrates a strong track record of delivery.
I would like to inform you that I’m nearly six months pregnant, however I’m sure this won’t count against me in the selection process.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Kind regards
Whistlejacket (Mrs)
What do you think of my chances?
This post was written by Whistlejacket,a mum to two boys in her 30s that lives in Berkshire. She's expecting a third baby at the end of 2009. This has been carefully planned so she can be disorganised at Christmas and have a good excuse. You can read more at her blog, Babyrambles.
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