I was asked this question twice last week. Firstly by my GP at my ante-natal check-up and secondly by the staff at pre-school as I waddled in with an excitable toddler to pick up vomiting Podge.
"Er, no," was my reply. Because I don't. Lots of us don't. I'm not pleading hardship or asking for sympathy, it's something I'm used to and don't think about very much. By 'help' I'm assuming people mean a set of retired, helpful parents living round the corner who regularly do some babysitting, DIY and housework for you. I'm envious of anyone who has this arrangement as it would obviously make life a lot easier.
Lots of us don't have help like this because we've had to move around the country for jobs, our family have had to move or sadly our family aren't around any more. My Mum moves about quite a bit. She recently returned to the UK after living abroad and is an hour's drive from us. My Dad and in-laws are 3-4 hours drive away. My sister is an hour and a half away and my brother currently about 45 minutes away. He rarely stays in one place for long because he's in the armed forces.
Even if my family did live nearby, they're not really the sort of 'hands on' family who would pop round to help you out for a bit. They're the 'busy, busy' sort of family who always have lots on. Both my parents took early retirement, and they're both working again because they got bored.
You get used to not having help. Fington is nearly 18 months old and because I'm a stay at home mum I've not spent more than four hours away from him. Podge has spent a few nights away with grandparents in the past, but not since Fington arrived. In fact, there have been no offers to have the children since Fington arrived. I'm certain there'll be no offers once the third is here! The children don't see much of their grandparents, so the less they see them the more freaked out they'd probably be if they suddenly stayed with them for a weekend. Maybe they'll be better about it when they're older.
My GP is young, glamorous and, I suspect, child-free. The thought of having three little ones is probably a bit daunting which is why she asked the question. Maybe we're silly having a third child when two is difficult enough? Some people say they won't have more for financial reasons or because it would be too much hard work. We've not given that any thought at all. I think we'll scrape on by like we're used to and adapt. Life's unpredictable anyway.
I have a friend with two children and both sets of grandparents nearby. The children regularly spend a night or weekend with their grandparents. One grandma helps walk the dog every day, the other helps my friend on shopping trips and often buys the children clothes. In the summer the children have short holidays away with their grandparents. My friend and her husband get regular child-free time together. It all sounds ideal and I do feel slightly jealous. Except it's not as rosy as it sounds. My friend says the children see so much of her family that she feels out of control. The grandparents spoil her children and no one in her family listens to her.
And there are endless horror stories about interfering mothers-in-law, maybe I should be grateful mine is four hours down the motorway? (ironically she's not interfering either). It's one thing having parents nearby and another when you're battling the family politics which comes with it.
Yes I'm knackered and could do with some help. But at least I feel in control and awkward family moments are infrequent. And one day in the future I'm certain husband and I will have that quiet, romantic, child-free weekend away in that gorgeous country hotel...
This post was written by Emily O, a mum of two and living in Berkshire. My third baby is due just before Christmas. My blogs are babyrambles and Mother Knows Best.
Photo credit: Microsoft
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